My patience is like a wild horse - running away from me.

I may look calm, but in my mind, I've killed you three times.

I tried to be a psychic once, but I didn't see it working out.

My therapist told me to embrace my fears. So I hugged them tight and now we watch scary movies together.

I'm really good at sleeping. It's like a talent I didn't even have to practice for.

People say I have a way with words. So I replied, 'Yes, the wrong way.'

I love when my coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable sociopath I can be.

I asked my dog what's the secret to true happiness. He said, 'Squirrel.'

I asked my wife why there's ice cream in the freezer. She said it was for the kids. I'm the only one who eats it.

I told my computer I wanted to be a millionaire. Now I'm the proud owner of a 'Task Manager'.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right... loudly.

Do I run? Yes, I run... out of patience.

I'm not saying I'm Superman. I'm just saying nobody has ever seen me and Superman in a room together.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Why should I care about what other people think of me? I am not a Facebook status.

Why be difficult when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible?

I'm not addicted to reading, I can stop as soon as I finish this chapter.

Sure, I'd love to work on Saturday. Said no one ever.

I always carry a map around, in case I get lost in my own thoughts.

Whoever said 'nothing is impossible' never tried slamming a revolving door.

I asked my friend how he's doing. He said, 'Living the dream.' I didn't realize his dream was a nightmare.