I don't need a reality check; I already have a Netflix subscription.

I'm not a mind reader, but I can tell when someone's thinking about pizza.

I don't have time for drama, unless it's on TV.

I may not be a math whiz, but I can calculate exactly how much longer I can procrastinate before it becomes a problem.

I'm not saying I'm a fashion icon, but my pajamas have been in style for years.

Sure, I could work faster, but then I wouldn't have as much time to procrastinate.

I don't always listen to advice, but when I do, it's usually by accident.

I love when people remind me to smile. It's not like my face has feelings or anything.

I'm not saying I'm a pessimist, but I never expect anything to go right.

I don't need luck; I have sarcasm.

I don't need a gym membership; my life provides enough exercise in the form of avoiding responsibilities.

I have a black belt in sarcasm. It's a lot more effective than karate.

I asked the Universe for a sign, and it gave me a 'No Trespassing' sign. Thanks, Universe.

I don't always eat junk food, but when I do, it's a balanced diet of chips and soda.

I'm not clumsy, I'm just doing my part to keep the floor clean.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but I once forgot my own birthday.

I don't believe in luck, but I do believe in finding money in old pants pockets.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but my microwave timer must always end in a zero.

I'm not saying I hold grudges, but I still remember that time in third grade when you stole my pencil.

I'm so glad my phone has autocorrect. It's like having a personal editor for all my embarrassing typos.

I aspire to be the type of person who can fold a fitted sheet. But for now, I'll settle for shoving it in the closet.