Sure, let me drop everything and work on your problem. I didn't have a life anyway.

I didn't plan on getting out of bed today, but then I remembered I have to eat.

Excuse me while I take a deep breath and hold in my 'I told you so'.

I've always wanted to be mysterious. Unfortunately, I'm just too transparent.

I'm not a perfectionist, I just have exceptionally high standards for everyone around me.

Let me guess, you're the expert on every topic because you read a Wikipedia page once?

I didn't realize that signing up for this job meant signing up for daily facepalms.

I don't need caffeine to wake up in the morning. The sheer horror of the day ahead does the trick.

Sure, I can drop everything and help you with your problem. It's not like I have a life or anything.

I don't need to be reminded to smile. The constant disappointment in humanity does the job.

I didn't choose to be sarcastic. Sarcasm chose me.

You know you're an adult when you need a nap more than you need social interaction.

I love when my alarm goes off in the morning. Nothing like starting the day with a heart attack.

Oh, you're a morning person? Please, tell me more about how much you enjoy waking up at the crack of dawn.

I don't always tolerate idiots, but when I do, I make sure to wear my 'Keep Calm' shirt.

I didn't choose the thug life. The thug life frowned upon my lack of street cred.

I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.

I'm not a workaholic, I just work harder than everyone else.

I'm not easily distracted, I just have a keen awareness of every boring detail around me.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just prioritizing my own mental health over your need for attention.

I don't need to change. The world just needs to adjust to accommodate my awesomeness.