I always wanted to be a mime, but I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. Irony at its finest.

I told the cashier I didn't want a bag for my groceries. She looked shocked.

I tried to be a baker, but my cookies said otherwise.

I asked my friend if he wanted to hang out, he said 'just let me know when the rope is ready'.

I put my phone on airplane mode and now it's making me fly jokes.

I asked my friend how his cat was doing, he said 'feline pretty terrible'.

I love when people say 'just be yourself'. So I started speaking in puns.

I tried to befriend a celebrity, but they 'didn't recognize my face'.

I told my friend I was going camping, he said 'try not to get lost in the backyard'.

I asked the waiter for 'a water with a side of water', he gave me a puzzled look.

I asked my teacher for extra credit, he said 'sure, just as soon as the sun starts to rise in the west'.

I tried to be a stand-up comedian, but everyone thought I was sitting down.

I told my friend I was feeling down, he said 'well, gravity always wins'.

I asked my mom if I could borrow some money, she said 'sure, when pigs start to fly'.

I love when people tell me to 'get a hobby'. I told them 'I already have one, it's called sarcasm'.

I love when people tell me to 'just relax'. It really calms my nerves.

My dog barks at strangers because he's a strong believer in stranger danger.

I told my plants they needed some space to grow, so I moved them outside.

I love when people tell me to 'dream big'. So I took a nap for 3 hours.

I'm not saying I hate my job, but if it suddenly caught on fire and burned to the ground, I wouldn't exactly be upset.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but can we do things my way?