Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get, but it's usually the one you don't like.

Why exercise when there's a perfectly good Netflix subscription waiting for me at home?

I don't always follow advice, but when I do, it's usually after I've already committed to my terrible decision.

Don't mind me, just pretending to care about your drama while internally planning my escape route.

Thank you for sharing your unsolicited opinion. I'll add it to the pile of things I didn't ask for.

I'm so glad I spent hours getting ready just to stand in line for an event I didn't even want to attend.

Oh, you got a participation trophy? You must be incredibly proud of your mediocrity.

I'm not saying I'm a pessimist, but my blood type is B Negative.

Sure, I'll come to your event. As long as there's free food and an open bar, I'm there to socialize.

Wow, your baby can already say 'mama' and 'dada'? Mine just mastered the art of a 2-hour tantrum.

Of course I believe you when you said you were 'five minutes away'. Just like how I believe in unicorns.

I love how everyone becomes a political scientist on Facebook. Who needs facts when you have feelings?

Being an adult is great. I get to pay bills, go to work, and pretend that I have my life together.

I told my wife she should embrace her insanity. She juggled knives.

I bought a new thesaurus, but it's terrible. It's also terrible.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the stress or the gluten. Now I'm just loafing around.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the dough or the crumbs. Now I loaf around.

I told my computer I wanted a break. Now it won't stop giving me Kit Kats.

I told my wife she should embrace her age. She threw her walker at me.

I trained my dog to fetch me red wine, now he's my sommelier.

My wife asked me to stop playing Wonderwall on guitar. I said maybe.