I tried to lose weight by drinking slim fast, but it just made me feel like a failure.

I asked the doctor for some good news. He told me my cholesterol is doing great.

People always tell me to stay positive. I guess they don't realize I'm an electrical engineer.

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

I bought a math book from the bookstore. They gave me a handful of numbers and said, 'Enjoy!'.

I don't need a personal trainer. My microwave counts down from 60 just fine.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I've been perfecting my procrastination skills for years.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but my favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch - Lunch.

I love when people say 'It's the little things in life.' Yes, like my bank account.

I don't need a day off. My life is one long weekend with bad weather.

I've mastered the art of being indispensable - until I take a vacation.

I don't have a sweet tooth, I have an entire sweet jaw.

Commitment is key. Unless it's to a cell phone contract.

I believe in teamwork. It allows me to blame someone else.

I love setting goals. It's the achieving part that I struggle with.

I don't need a therapist. I have a dog, and he listens better.

I'm not saying I'm the best at everything, but so far no one has corrected me.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but I can't really decide.

I'm not a huge fan of change, unless it's the kind I find in my couch cushions.

I don't have a bucket list. I prefer to live in denial about my mortality.

I'm not afraid of commitment. I'm just terrified of making the wrong one.