I told my wife she should embrace her age. She said, 'I'm not that flexible.'

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the heat or the yeast. Now I'm just doughing my own thing.

I tried to be a psychic, but I didn't see a future in it.

I told my wife she should embrace her insanity. She gave me a straight jacket.

I asked my boss if I could work from home. He said, 'Sure, just don't wear your pajamas.'

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the crust of the matter. Now I'm just rolling along.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She threw me a bouquet of dead flowers.

I used to be a baker, but the muffin really worked out.

I told my therapist I have a fear of unopened boxes. He said, 'That's a pretty common case.'

I tried to write a book on humility, but I'm pretty sure it would be the best book ever written.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She threw me a surprise party.

I attended a time management seminar...it was scheduled for two hours but ended up lasting half an hour. Go figure.

I told my dentist I was allergic to latex, so he offered me non-latex gloves for my next cleaning. Sarcasm is my favorite form of anesthesia.

I'm not saying I'm a hypochondriac, but I do have my own wing at the doctor's office.

I tried to take up meditation, but my thoughts kept interrupting me. They're so rude sometimes.

I love airports, they really bring people together while simultaneously driving them apart.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me an awkward hug. Not exactly what I meant.

People who say they found themselves must have been really lost. Maybe I should misplace my keys more often.

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. Literally.

I love the sound of ducks in the morning. It's a real quack of dawn.

My new years resolution was to be more decisive...but I can't decide if that's the right choice.