I'm not saying I have trust issues, but when my wife said she would be ready in 5 minutes, I didn't believe her.

If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I can name all the Kardashians – twice.

I love when my phone autocorrects me. It's always right.

My wife asked me to put the cat out. I opened the door and the cat ran away. Not sure what she meant by that.

I've finally found the secret to eternal youth... just never grow up.

I don't have a personal trainer. I rely on my self-motivation to watch workout videos from the couch.

My body is a temple. Unfortunately, it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys run wild.

I told my computer I needed a break. It responded with Ctrl+Alt+Delete.

I don't have a problem with commitment, I just have a talent for avoiding it.

I'm not saying I'm a germaphobe, but I did just sanitize my hands after reading this joke.

I don't have a sweet tooth, I have a sweet set of molars.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but I do believe everything will be better if I'm in charge.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but I did accidentally water my fake plant yesterday.

I don't fear commitment, I fear having to decide where to eat.

I'm not a hoarder, I'm a sentimental collector of things I'll never use.

I don't have a problem with authority, I have a distaste for arbitrary rules.

I'm not saying I'm a tech expert, but I did once fix my own wifi by turning it off and on again.

I don't need a self-esteem boost, I just need a constant stream of compliments.

I'm not saying I'm a gullible person, but I did once buy oceanfront property in Arizona.

I'm not saying I'm a drama queen, but I do have a flair for the theatrics of everyday life.