I'm not saying I'm a procrastinator, but I'll come up with a witty response later.

I told my plants they need to grow stronger roots. They're not taking it well.

My doctor told me to reduce stress. So I eliminated all the people causing it.

I have a rare condition that makes me unable to stand still. It's called laziness.

I thought about starting a pastry business, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I lost my watch at a party and now it's at large.

I tried to make a candle out of wax, but it didn't work out.

I told my computer to clean its desktop. It just won't listen.

I asked the waiter if the restaurant was busy. He said they could squeeze me in.

I joined a new gym called Resolutions. It has a 30-day free trial.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but sometimes I think I am.

My doctor told me to start taking walks. So now I walk to the fridge and back.

I accidentally laughed at a funeral. Now I have a deadpan sense of humor.

I once tried to be a vegan, but then I realized that was a missed steak.

I told my wife she should calm down. She got even more upset.

I like to live on the edge, specifically the edge of my comfort zone.

I bought a new pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I was going to tell a joke about a vacuum, but it sucks.

I tried to read a book on anti-gravity, but it flew right over my head.

My landlord said he was raising my rent because I'm living rent-free in his head.

I tried to take a selfie with my cat, but he kept hiss-ting.