I'm not shy, I'm just holding back my awesomeness to prevent overwhelming others.

I love being told to relax. It's like a magic button that makes all my stress disappear.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She agreed, so I handed her a hug.

You can't spell advertising without lying.

I love when someone tells me to just relax. That's all it takes to make me relax. Just tell me to do it.

I always keep a knife in my pocket in case someone asks me if I'm carrying a knife.

All my plants die so I can use them as proof that I can't keep anything alive.

I love the sound of breaking glass. It's my favorite way to end a conversation.

I'm really good at giving relationship advice... as long as it's about someone else's relationship.

Working in retail is great. I love being yelled at by strangers for things that are completely out of my control.

I love when my boss gives me feedback. It's like a little gift every time.

I wasn't planning on getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I use sarcasm because killing people is illegal.

I prefer not to think before I speak. That way, I get to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

The best part about being me is I'm not you.

I told my friend I was writing a book, he asked me if it had a good cover story.

My wife said I was in the doghouse, I asked her if it was a great dane.

I tried to tell a joke about leather, but it didn't have any punch.

I asked my boss for a day off, he told me it was a weak request.

I told my wife I was going to invent a new language, she told me to talk to the hand.

I asked the scientist if they had any jokes about oxygen, he said he was too noble for that.