I told my friend I could count on him. He said 'I'll be there in a minute.'

I told my friend I could stop anytime I want. He challenged me to stop breathing. I won.

I love when people say 'the sky's the limit.' Like, have they heard of space?

I tried to write a book on modesty, but it's not that great.

I asked my cat for relationship advice. She just stared at me and walked away.

I told the scientist I want to learn about DNA. He said, 'well, it's in our jeans.'

I asked my boss if he wanted a coffee. He said, 'sure, make it yourself.'

I asked the chef for a joke about pizza. He said it was too cheesy.

I told my dog he was adopted. He just shrugged and went back to sleep.

I told my mechanic I have a fear of car accidents. He said, 'don't worry, I'll take care of it.'

I asked the magician for the trick to success. He disappeared.

I told my friends I'm thinking of becoming a comedian. They all laughed.

I asked the photographer if he could take a picture of me sleeping. He said it would be a dream come true.

I told my son he needs to clean his room. He said, 'sure, just give me 10 years.'

I asked the bartender for a joke about beer. He said, 'sorry, I'm tapped out.'

I told my psychiatrist I'm afraid of the dark. He turned off the lights and said, 'now what?'

I told the architect I want a house with no corners. He said it will be a roundabout way to live.

I asked the shoe salesman if they had any jokes. He said, 'sorry, we're sole-d out.'

I told the tailor I want a suit that fits like a glove. He said, 'that's a tall order.'

I asked my hairstylist for a joke about hair. She said, 'they're all cut above the rest.'

My doctor told me to exercise every day. So now I wear my gym clothes to bed. Close enough.