I told my boss I have a lot on my plate. He handed me a fork and said, 'Bon appétit.'

My dentist asked me to stop talking so he could do his work. I didn't know I was paying for a silent treatment.

I told my therapist I have trouble expressing my emotions. She replied with a blank stare.

My co-worker said I have a face for radio. I guess I should start looking for a new career.

I accidentally liked my ex's photo from 3 years ago. She messaged me, 'Thanks for the support.'

I told my gym instructor I want to feel the burn. He handed me a fire extinguisher.

I asked my GPS for the shortest route. It replied, 'Turn around and go back home.'

I accidentally sent a text meant for my crush to my mom. Her response: 'Good luck with that.'

I told my waiter I want my steak well-done. He brought me a picture of a cooked steak.

I’m not saying my boss is a control freak, but I need permission to leave this sentence.

I asked the gym if they had any dumbbells, turns out they have plenty – just look around.

I’ve decided to run a marathon because running away from my problems isn’t enough exercise.

I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I’m not feeling very worky today, guess I’ll just have to wing it.

Oh great, another meeting. Because nothing says 'productive use of time' like sitting around a table with people you barely tolerate.

I love when my phone autocorrects 'ducking' to 'ducking'. Yes, because clearly that's what I meant to say.

I'm not saying my boss is indecisive, but he couldn't make a decision even if his job depended on it. Oh wait, it does.

I find it hilarious how people say 'sleep is for the weak'. Yeah, okay, you keep believing that while I enjoy my eight hours of uninterrupted bliss.

I love it when people ask me if I'm okay after I've clearly just stubbed my toe. No, I'm not okay, I just love hopping around in pain for fun.

I told my friend I couldn't afford a vacation, so he took a picture of me pretending to have a great time and said 'There, now you can post that on social media and save some money.'

I love how my bed is always there for me, waiting for me at the end of a long day... unless I forget to make it in the morning.