I asked the doctor if he had anything for a headache. He said, 'Yes, try this bill.'

I asked the cashier if they had any alligator shoes. He said, 'No ma'am, just small and medium.'

I told my wife I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in her favorite mall. She said, 'So you'll finally visit it.'

I asked my boss if I could take the day off work because I'm feeling like a Monday. He said, 'Sure, you can start feeling like a Friday.'

I asked the barista if they have anything sugar-free. She pointed to the water tap.

I asked the waiter about the dessert options. He said, 'We have a fantastic low-calorie menu.' I replied, 'Great, I'll have two.'

I told my husband I have a split personality. He said, 'That makes the two of us.'

I asked my colleague to stop acting like a flamingo. He told me to put my foot down.

I asked my mechanic if he could fix my brakes. He said, 'I can't stop right now.'

I told my friend I heard some birds were going extinct. He said, 'Good, I hate birds.'

I love when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow. Just making plans to cancel, as usual.

Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee.

I’d explain my sense of humor but it’s pretty complicated – you might not get it.

My life is just one big balancing act of wanting to do everything and not wanting to do anything.

If I won the award for laziness, I’d send someone to pick it up for me.

My dentist told me I need a root canal, I said no way, I already have cable.

I don't have a bad memory, I just... uh, can't remember the rest.

I asked the waiter if my food would be long, he said, 'No, it'll be round.'

I told my friend they should join the circus, he replied, 'Why? To learn clowning from you?'

I'm not saying I'm a good cook, but my smoke alarm is cheering me on.

I told my therapist about my addiction to break jokes, she told me it's time to stop.