I told my parents they should embrace technology. They gave me a hug instead.

I love when people ask me what I do for a living, as if sleeping and procrastinating weren't already full-time occupations.

I'm not clumsy. I'm just an expert at gravity checks.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We never got a gig.

My mom told me to follow my dreams. So, I took a nap.

I told my computer I wanted a break, so it gave me a virus.

I love when my alarm clock goes off, it's my favorite concert every morning.

I enjoy making to-do lists, just not as much as ignoring them.

I'm terrible at math but I'm great at subtracting friends.

I love working out. Just kidding, I love eating cake in my workout clothes.

I'm into fitness; fitness whole pizza in my mouth.

I'm so grateful for my slow metabolism, it gives me more time to savor my food.

I love when people bring up politics at family gatherings, said no one ever.

My boss told me I have a photographic memory, but every time I take a picture, I forget it.

I'm not procrastinating, I'm simply giving myself time to do a better job at the last minute.

When life gives you lemons, trade them for coffee.

My bed is my happy place. It's where all my hopes and dreams are stored.

I wasn't sleeping, I was just meditating with my eyes closed.

I thrive under pressure. It's the only time I actually get things done.

I politely maintain eye contact during a conversation. Mostly to ensure that you're still talking to me.

I'm not good at small talk, but I'm great at awkward silence.