There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who cannot.

I asked the shopkeeper if he had any books on irony. He said, 'Sure, they're in the non-fiction section.'

I joined a secret club for people who are terrible at math. They said I can't tell anyone.

I asked the cashier for a discount at the hardware store. She nailed it.

I told my wife she should open a cactus farm. She told me it was a prickly proposition.

I tried eating a clock. It was very time-consuming.

I asked the bartender to give me something with ice and money in it. He handed me a cold hard cash.

I told my wife she should run a marathon. She said she's not going to race into anything.

I asked the chef for a well-done steak. He handed me a burnt offering.

I told my wife she should start a comedy club. She said it was a joke of an idea.

I tried to make a pun about plumbing, but I couldn't find the right pipe.

I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do, he tells them better.

I asked the psychic to predict my future. She handed me a mirror.

I used to be a computer technician, but I lost my touch.

I told my wife she should start a tropical plant business. She told me to leaf her alone.

I asked my wife if she wanted a newspaper. She said, 'No, that's yesterday's news.'

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. She told me to take a hike.

I told my wife she should start working at a bakery. She told me it was a half-baked idea.

I tried to write a joke about gardening, but it never grew on me.

When I told my boss I have a fear of elevators, he made me take steps to avoid them.

I told my wife she should stop wearing tight pants. She said, 'What makes you think I'm wearing any?'