My friend keeps saying, 'Cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.' I know he means well.

I always wanted to be an elevator operator, but it had its ups and downs.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, 'You bet!'

I'm not saying I'm a time traveler, but I still have a flip phone.

I'm not saying I'm a dog whisperer, but my neighbor's poodle is terrified of me.

I'm not saying I'm a psychic, but I have a feeling this joke will make you laugh.

I'm not saying I'm a vampire, but garlic gives me heartburn.

I'm not saying I'm a chef, but my smoke alarm cheers me on when I cook.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out IKEA furniture without instructions.

I don't always take life with a grain of salt, sometimes it's a whole shaker.

I'm not saying I'm a vampire, but have you ever seen me in the sunlight?

I'm not saying I'm an artist, but I can draw a pretty decent stick figure.

I'm not saying I'm a chef, but I can boil water like a pro.

I'm not saying I'm sarcastic, but if I was, would you even notice?

I'm not saying I'm a magician, but I can make a sandwich disappear in seconds.

I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I have a feeling you're going to annoy me.

I'm not saying I'm a poet, but I can rhyme 'orange' with 'door hinge'.

I'm not saying I'm a bad dancer, but I've been banned from two weddings.

I'm not saying I'm a mechanic, but I can change a light bulb like a pro.

I'm not saying I'm a scientist, but I've conducted some groundbreaking research on Netflix.

I'm not saying I'm a diplomat, but I can diffuse a tense situation with a dad joke.