I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She asked how long I've been watching her dance.

I'm trying to cut down on my caffeine intake, but it's a latte harder than I thought.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I told him, 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yes.'

I told my computer I needed a break, so it took me literally and now it won't work.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed and my alarm on snooze.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but then again, I'm not saying I'm not.

I love when people say 'go big or go home.' Like, I'm already at home, so what now?

My computer crashed and now it's all-white. Guess it finally achieved its dream of being an Apple product.

I'm not a fan of passive-aggressive people. Just kidding, I think they're great.

Life is like a box of chocolates. Empty and disappointing.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

I love when people try to lecture me on something I'm already an expert in. It's like watching a toddler try to teach a quantum physics class.

I thought about going on a diet, but then I remembered I'm good at all-you-can-eat buffets.

Why get a watch when you can just keep asking people for the time and annoy everyone around you?

I may be a slow walker, but I never walk back.

I'll stop being sarcastic when people stop being stupid.

I don't have a bucket list. I have a f***et list (things I will never do again).

People who can fall asleep quickly must also have the superpower of being able to put up with anything.

Why make life complicated when you can just say 'whatever'?

I love when people tell me to just be myself. Like, which one?

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?