I'm not saying I'm a fortune teller, but I see a lot of takeout in your future.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my plants are alive.

I'm not dirty, I'm just well-seasoned.

I'm currently under construction. Thank you for your patience.

I have a fear of speed bumps...but I'm slowly getting over it.

I don't have a beer belly, I have a gas tank for my drinking engine.

I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I'm barely even a person.

I told my boss I have a lot on my plate. He told me I need a bigger plate.

My wife told me I have too many imaginary friends. Well, she's not real either.

I don't need anger management. I need everyone else to stop pissing me off.

My wife asked me to put the cat out. I told her, 'I didn't know it was on fire.'

I don't have a smart mouth, I have a stinging intellect.

I told my wife she should practice safe eating. She asked me how. I said, 'By getting rid of all the knives in the house.'

I'm not saying my boss is dumb, but when I asked him what the biggest city in Africa was, he said, 'The one with the most people.'

My wife asked me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did, but then I remembered she meant the trash.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but when it's my turn to order at a restaurant, I always ask the waiter to come back later.

My bank called to let me know my balance is low. I told them I already knew I'm broke.

I don't need anxiety medication. I just need people to stop stressing me out.

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man-child who can't properly do laundry.

I love it when my body randomly decides to ache in places I didn't even know existed.