I'm not clumsy, I just have the power to redistribute gravity.

My computer's got Miley Cyrus fever. It's stopped twerking.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I have a split personality - one side is cool and the other is being held at gunpoint by the first side.

I walked into a bar and said, 'Ouch.' The bar didn't laugh.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

It's always a good time when my computer decides to freeze right in the middle of saving an important document. Thanks for looking out, technology.

Why spend time picking out a movie to watch when you can just scroll through Netflix for hours and end up watching nothing? Efficiency at its finest.

I love how my phone dies right when I need to send a crucial text. It's like it knows when to make my life more interesting.

I always look forward to getting stuck in traffic after a long day at work. It's the perfect way to unwind and relax.

I love when my computer randomly decides to restart in the middle of me working. It's like a surprise break I never asked for.

My favorite thing about meetings is when they could've been an email. It's like a game of 'Let's waste everyone's time.'

Why be productive today when you can just procrastinate until tomorrow?

I always enjoy waiting in long lines. It really gives me a chance to practice my skills of patience and self-control.

Nothing brings me more joy than finding out I have to update my phone right when I need to make a call. It's the little things in life, you know?

I just love it when people stand right in the middle of the sidewalk to have a casual chat. It's not like others need to walk there or anything.

Is it really a successful day if I don't spill something on myself while eating? I like to keep things exciting.

I find it really refreshing when someone tells me to 'calm down.' I never would've thought of that on my own.

I love when my phone autocorrects to 'ducking.' Yes, because I regularly talk about ducks...

I wanted to lose weight, so I stopped eating in front of the mirror. It's working! I can't see my reflection anymore.

I hate Russian dolls. They are so full of themselves.