I don't have a short temper, I just have quick reactions.

I bought a vacuum the other day. It really sucked.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. She declined; said it wasn't her strong suit.

I applied for a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I told my wife she should do a sketch show for extra income. She said, 'I’ll pencil it in.'

I told my computer I needed a break, so it sent me to the recycle bin.

I'm a multitasker. I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

I have a split personality, but it's okay because we love each other.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She whispered, 'I already have your credit card.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, but then I reminded her of our marriage.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She agreed, and then hugged our neighbor.

My computer crashed and now it's all up in my Facebook.

I have a photographic memory, but apparently, it hasn't been developed yet.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but they never mention the hospital bills from falling off chairs.

I was on a diet, but I think it ran away.

I wanted to lose weight, but I don't want to let go of it forever.

I'm so good at procrastinating, I can do it in my sleep.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. Then she embraced my bank account.

My computer's keyboard and I have a lot in common. We're both missing a few buttons.

I told my friend I'm really good at lying. He believed me.

I'm really good at math. I can make all my problems disappear without even solving them.