I told my boss I have a lot on my plate. He told me to eat faster.

I'm not saying my driving is bad, but my GPS just said, 'In 400 feet, stop and let me out.'

My wife asked me to put the cat out. I replied, 'What for? He's not on fire.'

My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, 'You're right, I'll call Netflix.'

I told my therapist about my decision-making issues. Or maybe I didn't. Can't remember.

I asked the waiter for a water with lemon. He brought me a glass of water and told me to wait for the lemon to float.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She ordered a couple of pillows online.

I told my boss I had a photographic memory. He asked me to prove it. I showed him a blank picture.

I told my wife she should watch her calories. She ate them all.

My friend told me to always leave them wanting more. Am I talking too much yet?

I told my boss I have a lot on my plate. She asked if I wanted seconds.

I asked the gym trainer if I could use the treadmill. He said, 'Sure, knock yourself out.' So I did.

I'm not a fan of the new calendar - it's days are numbered.

I asked my boss for a pay raise. He told me to put it in writing and I said “I can’t, my pencil is broken.”

I love when it’s so hot outside that I don’t have to pay my heating bill.

I was at a fancy restaurant and had to send my dish back. I asked them to reheat my ice cream.

I read a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

I finally told my parents about my addiction to fabric softener. They were in denial.

I love when my phone autocorrects a word to something completely different. It’s always right.

You know you’re getting old when your birth certificate is actually a scroll.

I bought a thesaurus the other day. When I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.