I told my personal trainer I want abs of steel. He said, 'I can create a workout plan, but I can't perform miracles.'

I asked my landscaper if he's a man of few words. He said, 'I prefer the strong, silent type.'

I told my friend I have a joke about sodium. She said, 'Na.'

I asked my therapist if he ever gets tired of listening to people's problems. He said, 'I'll let you know.'

I told my boss I have excellent time management skills. He said, 'You're fired.'

I asked the chef if he uses a lot of spices. He said, 'I'm more of a cereal person.'

I told my mechanic I need my car to go from 0 to 60 in under 5 seconds. He said, 'What road are you on?'

I told my friend I'm terrible at math. He said, 'Count me in.'

I asked the pilot if we're on the same flight plan. He said, 'I don't drink, and fly.'

I told my therapist I'm afraid of heights. He said, 'You really need to step up.'

I asked my barber if he enjoys cutting hair. He said, 'It's a close shave.'

I told the cashier I have a coupon for free groceries. He said, 'Sir, that's a grocery list.'

I told my wife I always make her coffee with a smile. She asked if I can use a cup next time.

I asked the mechanic if my car has good brakes. He said, 'No, they're not even wearing skirts.'

I told my tailor I need my clothes altered. He asked if I can change the subject.

I asked my chef friend if he serves family-style. He said, 'Only if we're family.'

I told my therapist I'm addicted to checking my horoscope. He said, 'It's written in the stars.'

I asked the lifeguard if anyone has ever drowned in the shallow end. He said, 'Just shallow people.'

I told my dentist I'm afraid of drills. He said, 'You're boring me.'

I asked my therapist if he had a minute to talk about my trust issues. He said, 'I don't trust my watch.'

I told my wife I don't argue, I just explain why I'm right. She's still not talking to me.