I tried to do stand-up comedy, but the audience kept sitting down.

I told my personal trainer I want to work out every day, but only on days that end in 'y'.

I asked the gardener if he could help me plant a joke. He said, 'Sorry, I'm a landscaping expert, not a comedian'.

I told my daughter she can be anything she wants when she grows up. She's aiming to be a unicorn.

I asked the barista if they served coffee in a clear cup. He said, 'No, you have to drink it.'

I told my wife I'm reading a book on marriage. She asked if it has a happy ending.

I asked my mechanic if my car has a drinking problem. He said, 'Only when you fill the tank.'

I told my dentist I have a sweet tooth. He suggested I brush with chocolate toothpaste.

I asked my waiter if they serve crabs here. He said, 'I can take offense to that.'

I told my dog I could speak his language. He said, 'Woof, you talkin' about?'

I told the baker I'm on a gluten-free diet. He said, 'There's a hole in your logic.'

I asked my electrician if he's attracted to his work. He said, 'It's shocking.'

I told my neighbor his music is too loud. He asked if I wanted some encore.

I told my boss I have a keen sense of direction. Now I'm in charge of mapping out the company's downfall.

I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't had a meeting yet.

I told my friend I have the memory of an elephant. She asked if I also have the ears of one.

I keep a gun in my purse in case anyone tries to steal my jokes.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a Procrastinator in Denial. But I'll deal with it later.

I walked into the bedroom and my wife showed me a huge stack of papers. She said, 'This is everything I don't like about you.' I said, 'You've only scratched the surface.'

The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...

I was about to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it last time.