My procrastination's at such a high level, I once put off procrastinating.

My bed and I have a fantastic relationship - we are always there for each other.

I'm not clumsy, it's just the floor's way of testing me.

Why is it called 'fasting' when it seems to go so slow?

Breaking news: Local man takes a nap, world keeps spinning.

My wallet's a real multitasker - it's great at storing receipts and collecting dust.

You're not really an adult until you catch yourself saying 'Because I said so.'

If you can't say something nice, you're probably at a family gathering.

I love teasing my wife about her cooking. It's rare, but so is her understanding.

I tried to catch some fog, but I fogot. Classic.

My wife told me to have a great day. So I headed home.

I asked my boss for a day off. He said, 'Take two - you're a humorist.'

I tried to catch some fog, but I missed. See-through opportunity.

My friend thinks he's smart. I told him an atom is the only thing that makes up everything, including his ego.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. Smooth move, fog.

I asked my friend if he wanted to hear a joke about time travel. He said, 'Never mind, you guys won't get it.'

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't rise to the occasion. It was a crumby job.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She did a 360-degree turn.

My wife thinks I'm too blunt. But hey, that's just my point of view.

I asked the librarian if she had a book on irony. She handed me a dictionary.

I told my kids it's perfectly okay to make mistakes. They named me as their prime example.