I don't need a personal assistant. I need someone to follow me around and remind me of all the things I forget.

I don't need reminders to drink water. My body does a great job of reminding me every time I go to bed.

I'm not a psychic, but I can predict with 100% accuracy that I will ignore any phone call from an unknown number.

I don't need a 'to-do' list. I need a 'don't bother' list.

I love when my phone autocorrects to 'ducking'. That's exactly what I was trying to say.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out the plot twist in a Hallmark movie.

I'm not a scientist, but I can confidently say that 90% of being an adult is Googling how to do basic tasks.

Nothing says 'classy' like eating your takeout directly from the container.

I'm like a ninja - if ninjas were really bad at sneaking up on people.

I don't need coffee to start my day. I need coffee to tolerate other people.

I'm not saying I have a fear of commitment, but I still haven't updated my phone from iOS 9.

I always read ingredient labels on my food. It's important to know how much guilt you're consuming.

I don't mean to brag, but I can make a five-minute task last all day.

I'm not a quitter, I'm just really good at starting things I never finish.

I'm not saying I'm not an athlete, but I did run a marathon... on Netflix.

I'm not a chef, but I like to think of myself as a 'microwave connoisseur'.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a new wardrobe to lift my spirits.

I don't have a comeback for everything. Sometimes I just stare in disbelief.

I'm not clumsy, I'm just really good at finding new ways to trip over things.

I don't need a personal trainer. Rustling through a bag of chips is a great arm workout.

I don't need a map, getting lost builds character.