I don't always follow recipes, but when I do, it's by accident.

I'm not saying I'm a night owl, but I have a lot of great ideas at 3 am.

I don't always sing in the shower, but when I do, the water stops flowing.

I'm not saying I'm a minimalist, but I do have 5 junk drawers.

I don't always remember people's names, but when I do, it's right after I say goodbye.

I'm not saying I'm a morning person, but I do hit snooze 10 times before getting up.

I don't always cook dinner, but when I do, it's because there's nothing else in the fridge.

I'm not saying I'm a fan of small talk, but I could talk about the weather for hours.

I don't always go to the gym, but when I do, I spend more time on my phone than working out.

I'm not saying I'm a fast driver, but I did get a speeding ticket on my bike.

I'm not saying I'm a procrastinator, but I'll finish this list later.

I don't always give 100% at work, but when I do, it's in the bathroom.

I'm not saying I have commitment issues, but I still haven't finished watching that series I started two years ago.

I don't always have a positive outlook, but when I do, it's usually sarcasm.

I tried to embrace my flaws, but they didn't like the hug.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I have high standards when it comes to cutting corners.

Why join a cult when you can start your own squad of one?

I don't always watch horror movies, but when I do, it's usually through my fingers.

I was going to start a charity for people who can't stop telling jokes. But then I thought, 'No pun intended.'

I tried to be a vegetarian, but then I realized how much I love bacon.

I don't always avoid confrontation, but when I do, it's always by accident.