I don't always binge-watch TV shows, but when I do, I forget to eat.

I'm not saying I'm a comedian, but my jokes are so dry they need a bottle of water.

I don't always clean my room, but when I do, I find snacks I forgot I had.

I don't always read books, but when I do, they're all overdue from the library.

I'm not saying I'm a fashion icon, but my closet could use a good laugh.

I don't always take the stairs, but when I do, it's because the elevator is broken.

I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but I do have a lot of unread messages.

I don't always go grocery shopping, but when I do, I forget the one thing I went for.

I'm not saying I'm an artist, but I did draw a stick figure that looked like a tree once.

I don't always wear socks, but when I do, they mysteriously disappear in the dryer.

I'm not saying I'm a poet, but my grocery list rhymes sometimes.

I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do, I become an instant hit at parties.

I'm not saying I'm a mystery fan, but I do love when the last Pringle just vanishes.

I don't always make New Year's resolutions, but when I do, they last until January 2nd.

I'm not saying I'm a fortune teller, but I can predict when my phone battery will die.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I did spell 'perfectionist' wrong on my resume.

I don't always have a sweet tooth, but when I do, it's after midnight.

I'm not saying I'm a coffee addict, but I do judge people based on the brand of coffee they drink.

I don't always take naps, but when I do, they turn into a full night's sleep.

I don't always check my phone, but when I do, it's right after I put it down.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did wear a lab coat once for Halloween.