I don't have a complex about being short, I'm just vertically efficient.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but even my password hint doesn't know my password.

I love when people say 'time flies' like it's a good thing. I want to see time crawl, take its sweet time, and maybe get a flat tire.

I tried to be a vegetarian, but I just can't quit bacon. It's too crispy to resist.

I don't always make puns, but when I do, I'm always a little cayenne-ppy with myself.

I asked my GPS for directions to the gym. It laughed and said, 'I don't think I've ever been asked that before'.

I love when people say 'sleep is for the weak.' It's my favorite excuse for taking a nap.

My doctor told me to watch what I eat... I'm currently watching a sandwich.

I'm not saying I have a short attention span, but sometimes I... oh, look, a squirrel!

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I did eat a whole cake because one slice was slightly off-center.

I asked the waiter for a quick suggestion on the menu, he said I should try the iPads.

I tried to write a joke about time travel, but it hasn't been funny yet...

I told my mirror I love you this morning. It didn't say it back.

I love when people say 'I could care less.' So you do care a little?

I don't always have a clean house, but when I do, guests unexpectedly show up.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking... so now I do it in front of a mirror.

I asked the mechanic if my car was ready, he said 'no, we just like having it here.'

I don't always follow instructions, but when I do, I misinterpret them.

I told my boss I have a great work ethic... while sneaking out early.

My therapist said I have trouble expressing my emotions... I just couldn't care less.

I don't always listen to music, but when I do, it's on full blast to drown out my thoughts.