I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person either, but at least by then, I'm not expected to be productive.

Sometimes I feel like my body is saying 'drink more water' and my brain is saying 'more coffee, please.'

Having a bad day? Just remember, it's not a bad life. It's a bad day.

I love when people say 'time heals all wounds.' Clearly, they've never stubbed their toe.

I don't always talk to my plants, but when I do, they miraculously die the next day.

I'm not saying I'm a personal trainer, but I did once break a sweat trying to open a jar.

I don't always forget where I put my keys, but when I do, they're in my hand.

I'm not saying I'm a philosopher, but I often wonder why the alphabet is in that order.

I don't always go to bed early, but when I do, I just lie there thinking about everything.

I'm not saying I'm a tech expert, but I did once ask Google how to Google something.

I don't always plan ahead, but when I do, the plan falls apart within the first hour.

I'm not saying I'm a germaphobe, but I do use a tissue to press elevator buttons.

I don't always remember birthdays, but when I do, it's after the party is over.

I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find missing socks like nobody's business.

I don't always start a new hobby, but when I do, I lose interest within a week.

I'm not saying I'm a fortune cookie writer, but I did once come up with a good fortune.

I don't always try to be funny, but when I do, I end up being the only one laughing.

I'm not saying I'm a gardener, but I did once kill a cactus by overwatering it.

I don't always watch the news, but when I do, I have no idea what's going on.

I'm not saying I'm a fashionista, but I did wear socks with sandals once.

I'm not saying I'm a scientist, but I did once mix up salt and sugar in a recipe.