I'm not saying I'm a pessimist, but I always prepare for the worst... except when it comes to winning the lottery.

I'm not saying I'm a picky eater, but I do believe that ketchup is a vegetable.

I'm not saying I have a green thumb, but I have successfully kept a cactus alive for over a year.

I'm not saying I'm bad at math, but I did once try to calculate how many hours are in a 30-minute TV show.

I'm not saying I'm a fashion icon, but I do follow the latest trend of wearing socks with sandals.

I'm not saying I'm a neat freak, but I do alphabetize my spice rack.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did once microwave a microwave dinner without the microwave.

I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but I have mastered the art of avoiding phone calls and text messages.

I'm not saying I'm a morning person, but I do enjoy the sound of my alarm clock.

I'm not saying I have a fear of commitment, but I can't even commit to what I want for dinner.

I'm not saying I'm a fortune teller, but I see a nap in my future.

Life is short, just like my patience for drama.

I'm not saying I have trust issues, but I never trust stairs. They're always up to something.

I don't always clean my room, but when I do, it's usually right before someone comes over.

I'm not saying I'm allergic to exercising, but every time I think about going to the gym, I break out in a sweat.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but if I were, I'd be the best one.

I'm not saying I'm a pessimist, but I believe that if life gives you lemons, you're probably allergic to citrus.

Do people who say 'I told you so' actually enjoy telling people so?

I'm not bad with directions, I'm just geographically challenged.

I'm not a morning person, but I'm also not a night person. Let's just say I'm not a people person.

I don't have a smart mouth, I have a sarcastic brain.