I hate it when people say you can't live without love. I think oxygen is more important.

I'm not saying I'm always right, but I'm not often wrong... So there's that.

I’m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

At least when the world ends, we’ll have our selfies to remember it by.

Someone asked me how my day was, so I told them it was like winning the lottery. Just kidding, it was a complete disaster.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I was quoted in the dictionary under 'sarcastic'.

I’m not a morning person. I’m not an afternoon person. Basically, I’m just not a person until I’ve had my coffee.

I’m not 40. I’m 18 with 22 years of experience.

I’m not one to brag, but I just went 24 hours without a single sarcastic comment.

Why be part of the crowd when you can stand out by blending in?

I'm not saying I'm a weather expert, but I can feel a rainstorm in my joints.

I don't need a personal chef, I can burn a pot of water like a pro.

I don't need a vacation, I just need a pause button for reality.

I'm not saying I'm a germaphobe, but I do wash my hands more than I blink.

I'm not saying I'm a psychic, but I can predict when the WiFi is going to act up.

I'm not saying I'm a professional sleeper, but I do have a talent for napping.

I don't need a personal assistant, Siri does a pretty good job already.

I'm not saying I'm a comedian, but I do have a way with puns.

I'm not saying I'm a fitness guru, but I can lift a slice of pizza to my mouth with ease.

I don't have a green thumb, I have a black thumb. Everything I touch dies.

I'm not saying I'm a cat whisperer, but my cat does ignore me in 5 different languages.