I love how you always find a way to make everything about you...

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

Please, continue to share your unsolicited advice... I'll definitely take it to heart.

Congratulations on being the center of your own universe.

I'm so glad you're here to remind me how to do things I've been doing for years.

Oh, you're a social media influencer? Please, tell me more about your important work.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm pretty close... unlike some people.

If you keep talking, I might start pretending to listen...

I'm sorry, I didn't realize your opinion was the only one that mattered in this conversation.

Oh, you're offended by my sarcasm? Please, tell me more about how fragile you are.

I always try to see the good in people... when they're not around.

I have a great sense of humor... when I'm the only one laughing.

I'm vegan because I deeply care about what plants think when I eat them.

I love how my body has a natural talent for gaining weight effortlessly.

I always sleep like a baby—waking up every two hours crying.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you knew.

I don't need a hairstylist, I'm totally going for the 'messy look.'

I'm not always late, sometimes I just arrive fashionable late.

Oh, you're a grammar Nazi? Congratulations, I guess your mom must be really proud of you.

I'm not a pessimist, I just see the glass as half empty because someone drank the other half without asking.

I love when people ask me what my plans are for the weekend, it's a good reminder that I have none.