I'm allergic to seafood. When I eat it, I break out in hives, as in hives of bees that I'm allergic to.

I'm sorry, I don't take unsolicited advice. You have to pay me first.

Nothing says 'fun' like spending hours on hold with customer service.

I'm a morning person... if mornings start at noon.

I love when my phone autocorrects my message to say the total opposite of what I meant.

I always look forward to meetings that could easily be an email. Such a productive use of time.

Why settle for the bare minimum when you can put in even less effort than that?

I thrive on deadlines. They're the best way to feel that warm rush of panic.

Why ask for help when you can just struggle in silence and hope for the best?

The best part of a boring party is knowing you can leave and no one will notice.

Sure, I'd love to work on that project this weekend... said no one ever.

My favorite indoor activity is definitely watching paint dry. It's a thrill a minute.

I love how reliable my toaster is. It's always burning my toast with perfect consistency.

My job is super fulfilling. I get paid to stare at spreadsheets all day. Lucky me.

I love it when my neighbors have loud parties until 3 am. It's like a free concert from my bedroom window.

I'm 100% all natural. Just like the preservatives in my food.

Another Monday, another chance to make a million more mistakes. Can't wait.

Why go to the beach when you can get the same sunburn by sitting in front of your computer for hours?

I'm really good at pretending to listen. It's one of my most marketable skills.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but I did just spend 10 minutes looking for my glasses only to realize they were on my face the whole time.

I'm not saying I'm a thrill-seeker, but I did just watch a horror movie without even flinching... so, yeah, I'm pretty tough.