I'm not saying I'm lazy, but Siri has to remind me to breathe sometimes.

I don't believe in horoscopes, but I do think my cat is trying to tell me something.

I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that putting 'LOL' at the end of a text makes it funnier.

I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but I do have my own seat at the local coffee shop.

I'm not saying I'm a superhero, but I have been known to rescue cookies from packages.

I don't need a personal trainer, I have the ability to cancel my gym membership.

I'm not saying I'm a fashion icon, but I have been called 'bold' for wearing mismatched socks.

I'm not a pessimist, I'm just fluent in realistic expectations.

I don't need a therapist, I have Twitter for my emotional outlet.

If at first you don't succeed, then call it a day and binge-watch Netflix.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did once memorize my credit card number.

I don't need caffeine to start my day, just the crippling fear of failure.

I'm not saying I'm a master chef, but I can microwave a mean frozen dinner.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I'm not saying I'm always right, but I am never wrong.

I don't need the internet. My wife knows everything.

I'm not saying I'm the best, but I haven't found anyone who can do it better than me.

I'm not lazy, I'm just embracing my inner sloth.

I'm not a psychic, but I see a sandwich in your future.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

I finally got 8 hours of sleep. It was 2 am to 10 am.