I'm not saying I have a sweet tooth, but I do have a separate stomach reserved just for dessert.

I'm not addicted to coffee. I just really need it to function... and by function, I mean not bite anyone's head off.

I don't always pay attention in meetings, but when I do, it's usually when someone says 'any questions?'

I'm not a hoarder, I just believe in being prepared for any eventuality... like the apocalypse.

I'm not saying I have a favorite child, but if I did, it wouldn't be you.

I'm not a morning person, or an afternoon person. Actually, I'm just not a person at all until I've had coffee.

Yes, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure 'just Google it' is not an appropriate medical diagnosis.

Yes, I do exercise. I put my running shoes on every morning... to drive to the donut shop.

I'm not antisocial, I'm just selectively social. And by that, I mean I selectively choose to avoid people.

Who needs a therapist when you have Netflix and a bottle of wine?

I'm not a mind reader, but I can accurately predict that you're about to say something dumb.

Yes, I do have a filter. It's just set to 'sarcasm' by default.

I love when people say 'I'm not like other girls'... like, congratulations on being unique in your unoriginality.

I’m not saying I’m indecisive, but it’s possible.

I’m not anti-social. I’m selectively social – there’s a difference.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just choosing to engage in activities more interesting than talking to you.

Oh, you’re a fan of the Oxford comma? How unique and edgy.

I’m not saying I’m the best, but there’s no better contender.

I see you’re playing hard to get. I can play hard to care.

I see you've mastered the art of speaking without saying anything of substance.