I don't have a fear of heights, I have a fear of low ceilings.

I'm not saying I'm a DIY expert, but I have glued my fingers together more times than I can count.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but my couch has a permanent imprint of my body.

I'm not a morning person. I'm barely even a midday person.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I can microwave a frozen dinner like no one else.

I don't have a fear of commitment, I just have a fear of making decisions.

I love when people say 'I told you so.' It's like music to my ears.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I do enjoy pointing out other people's flaws.

I don't need a personal trainer, my alarm clock screams at me every morning.

I'm not saying I'm a comedian, but most of my life feels like a joke.

I'm not saying I'm cheap, but my favorite exercise is running out of money.

I'm not saying I'm a fashion icon, but I can really rock a pair of sweatpants.

I'm not saying I talk to myself, but sometimes I need expert advice.

I don't believe in astrology, but I always check my horoscope just in case.

I'm not saying I'm ignoring you, I'm just giving you the gift of solitude.

I'm not saying I have a green thumb, but my plants stay alive... most of the time.

I'm not saying I'm a time traveler, but Mondays always seem to sneak up on me.

I'm not saying I'm a comedian, but I do have a way with puns that's simply pun-tastic.

I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but I can make awkward situations even more awkward.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I do have a black belt in overthinking.

I'm not a fan of procrastination. I prefer to think of it as delayed success.