I asked the waiter how spicy the dish was, he said 'not very.' My mouth is still on fire.

I don't always read books, but when I do, it's only the first and last chapter.

My friend said I have a face for radio... well, looks like I've found my calling.

I don't always go to bed early, but when I do, I can't fall asleep.

I asked the salesperson if the shirt made me look fat, they said 'no, your face does.'

My doctor said I need more vitamin C... so now I only drink cola.

I don't always give advice, but when I do, it's usually based on no actual expertise.

I told my boss I have a great sense of humor... he told me my paycheck is the funniest thing he's seen all week.

I love it when my wifi stops working... it gives me a chance to bond with my family.

I always strive for perfection... but I'm perfectly fine with never achieving it.

My bed and I have a special relationship... it's always there for me when I need to avoid responsibilities.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

I love when my phone autocorrects 'haha' to 'gaga.' Nothing says I'm laughing more than sounding like a baby.

I don't need a hair stylist, I wake up every morning looking like a rock star... a bass player from a garage band.

I come from a long line of clumsy people. We're very proud... or at least we try to be.

Behind every successful person, there's a lot of unsuccessful years... I must be on the verge of greatness.

I tried to be a vegetarian but I just felt like a missed steak.

People who say 'sleep is for the weak' haven't discovered the joy of a good nap.

I wasn't planning on taking a nap today, but plans change when you hit snooze 10 times in a row.

I love when people tell me to 'just relax.' Ah, thank you, I had no idea that was an option.