I tried to write a book on how to catch your dreams, but I fell asleep before finishing it.

I don't always have a poker face, but when I do, I'm playing solitaire.

I don't always exercise, but when I do, it's usually walking to the fridge.

I'm not saying I'm bad at math, but even my calculator judges me.

I love when technology works perfectly... said no one ever.

Sure, I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time.

I don't always make a good first impression, but when I do, it's usually unintentional.

Why get a gym membership when you can carry groceries up three flights of stairs in one trip?

Life is too short to waste time on things that don't inconvenience you.

I don't always crave attention, but when I do, it's only when I'm alone.

Life is like a roller coaster - full of ups, downs, and a high likelihood of making you nauseous.

I told my therapist about my fear of unpredictability. She said she'd get back to me on that one.

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I'm not saying I have a sweet tooth, but my dentist keeps telling me to cut back on sugar.

I wish I could be as confident as the person who drafts the terms and conditions.

People say I have a way with words. Unfortunately, that way is usually the exit.

I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but I did call in sick to go to a job interview.

My friend told me I was a terrible mime. I didn't know how to respond.

I don't always remember people's names, but when I do, they have already walked away.

My coworker told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I'm not saying my room is messy, but the last time someone tried to walk through it, they got lost.