I tried to catch some fog, but it disappeared into thin air.

I told my computer to give me some space, and now it won't stop showing me ads for NASA.

I used to be a baker, but I folded under pressure. Such a crumby situation.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged them all close.

My friend thinks he's smart. I told him he's an intelligent light bulb, always coming up with bright ideas.

I asked my doctor if I could administer my own anesthesia. He told me to 'knock myself out.' So I did.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes shut.

My girlfriend told me to go to the gym. I hope she's happy, because I just dropped her off there.

I tried to grab some fog, but I missed. Story of my life.

I asked my wife if she thought I was a control freak. She said, 'You've got to be kidding me.'

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke. Perfect timing, life.

I asked my friend if humor is genetic. He said, 'It's all in the jeans.'

I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, it's a masterpiece.

My son asked me if I could put his shoes on. I said, 'They're not my size.'

I asked the waiter if there were any specials. He said, 'I'm special.'

I told my wife I have a new hobby - sleeping. She said, 'That's not a hobby, it's a lifestyle.'

I asked my coach if he's married to the game. He said, 'No, we're just dating.'

I told my barber I want a haircut that turns heads. He said, 'Try turning yours.'

I asked the IT guy if he's good with computers. He said, 'No, I just wear this shirt for the attention.'

I told my coworker I'm drowning in work. He asked if he could throw me an anchor.

I asked my accountant if I can afford a vacation. He said, 'You can't even afford this conversation.'