My landlord said he needed to raise my rent due to inflation. I guess my happiness was included.

I always keep a positive attitude by reminding myself that things could be worse. I could be my neighbor.

I love it when my computer freezes just as I'm about to save my work. It's like a fun little game of chance.

I accidentally wore my inside-out shirt to work today. Good thing perfection is overrated.

My favorite hobby is trying to guess who will cancel plans first, me or my friends.

I accidentally spray-painted my cat. Now he's Furrari.

I told my wife she should pursue a career in modeling. She said she'd rather stick to role-playing.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just collecting dust.

I asked my boss for a pay raise. He said, 'Take a hike.' So I did, to the unemployment office.

I told my computer I needed a break. It gave me a 15-minute silent treatment.

I'm thinking about going to a psychic to see if they can predict my future disappointment.

I told my wife I wanted to be a comedian. She said, 'Keep your day job.'

I told my wife I wanted to be a mime. She said she wouldn't hear of it.

I tried to write a joke about alcohol, but it was too sobering.

I told my wife I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. She said, 'At least you're halfway there.'

I asked my wife if she believes in ghosts. She said she used to, but then her ex moved out.

I don't have a boyfriend because they say opposites attract. I'm attracted to food.

If I had a dollar for every smart decision I've made, I'd be broke.

I told my boss I have a lot on my plate, he said 'Most of it looks like crumbs.'

I asked the cashier how many calories were in my snack, he said 'Sir, do you really care at this point?'

My gym just called and asked why I haven't come in. I said, 'I've been avoiding it like the plague.'