I told my friends I was going to make a joke about unemployment. They said, 'don't worry, it won't work out.'

I told my dentist I want a toothbrush with Bluetooth. He rolled his eyes and handed me a mirror.

I bought a book about gravity. It was impossible to put down.

Do you ever feel like the 5-day weather forecast is just a dramatic reading of the Farmer's Almanac?

Being an adult is just saying 'I gotta go to bed early' and then staying up until 2am watching cat videos.

I asked my dentist why they call it 'flossing' instead of 'teeth threading.' He just gave me a look and a free toothbrush.

I asked the math teacher if it's possible to divide by zero. She divided my question by zero and the universe collapsed.

I finally stopped drinking for good. Now I only drink for evil.

I walked into a spider web this morning. Did a full 360-degree freakout dance while unsticking myself. Then I remembered: I'm a ninja.

I love when people say they're 'waiting for the right moment.' Like, what are you waiting for? The stars to align and Beyoncé to give you a sign?

I found a new way to observer people. I stand in my front yard and stare - it's better than Netflix.

The most important rule in grammar is to avoid run-on sentences, they can be exhausting to read and write and to comprehend all the thoughts and ideas that are expressed without stopping or slowing down even for a short pause to catch your breath while considering what exactly is being said and in what kind of context it is meant to be understood.

I was going to procrastinate today, but I decided to put it off until tomorrow.

I love buying new workout clothes. It's like buying a gym membership for my closet.

I finally found the perfect diet. I don't have to exercise, I just have to imagine myself exercising while eating cake.

I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years. I don't have 2020 vision.

I asked my boss for a raise. He told me to raise my expectations.

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest to see if any would win. No pun in ten did.

I told my wife she should loosen up. She told me to get a life first.

They say love is the best medicine. That's why I always take my antibiotics with a side of romance.

They say laughter is the best medicine. Apparently, my bank account disagrees.