I told my friend I was going on a diet, he handed me a cookie.

I asked my boss for a raise, he raised an eyebrow.

I went to a seafood disco, I pulled a mussel.

My friend said he was going to live off the land, I showed him where the grocery store was.

I told my wife I wanted to be a rock star, she gave me a pet rock.

I asked the baker if he had any rolls, he said he was on a bread break.

My friend told me he was learning to play chess, I told him to keep it in check.

I told my wife I was going bald, she said it was a hair-raising experience.

I told my friend I was going to become a comedian, he laughed.

I asked the painter if she had any favorite colors, she said they were all shades of grey.

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage, it was bread in captivity.

My wife told me to stop shopping online, I asked her to checkout my savings.

I asked the butcher if he had any deals on meat, he said they were all rare.

I walked into a bar and asked for a cold one, the bartender gave me a haunted ghost story.

I told my friend a joke about chemistry, he replied with a chemical reaction.

I told my wife I wanted to go on a tropical vacation, she handed me a piña colada mix.

I asked the mathematician if he had a problem, he said that's the only thing he has.

I opened a restaurant called Karma, where you always get what's coming to you.

My wife told me to dream big, so I went back to bed.

I'm not saying I'm cool, but my air conditioning is always on.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.