I asked the waiter for a doggy bag, so he gave me a menu for the rest of the night.

I told my therapist I think I have a fear of commitment. She said she'd pencil me in for next week.

I tried to become a vegetarian, but bacon keeps pulling me back in.

I told my dentist I have a phobia of the dentist. He said that's the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

I tried to join the pessimist club, but they said I wouldn't enjoy it.

I asked my coffee for some inspiration. It told me to espresso myself.

I told my GPS to find me some motivation. It kept saying 'recalculating'.

I told my boss I have a great sense of humor. He said my paycheck was the real joke.

I'm not saying I'm paranoid, but I always feel like someone is watching me...from the other side of that two-way mirror.

I asked my boss for a raise, and he told me to increase my productivity. So I added a 'LOL' after every email signature.

People say I have a way with words. Clearly, those people have never heard me try to pronounce 'quinoa'.

My doctor told me to eat more greens. So I added extra lettuce to my double cheeseburger.

I told my friends I was planning to run a marathon. They replied, 'In your dreams.' So I signed up for a virtual race instead.

I tried to join a support group for procrastinators, but the first meeting got postponed indefinitely.

I like to think of myself as a multitasker. I can eat cereal and scroll through social media at the same time.

I decided to take up meditation to reduce stress. Turns out trying to clear my mind just gave me a headache.

My therapist told me to focus on the present moment. So I locked myself out of the house while taking out the trash.

I tried to organize my closet by color, but my black shirts kept challenging my authority. They're such rebels.

I love when the cashier asks if I want my milk in a bag. No, I'll just carry it by the handle, thanks.

I taught my dog to retrieve my slippers, now he hides them when I need them.

I bought a dictionary that said 'out of stock'. I guess words really are powerful.