I asked my boss if I could work from home. He said only if I can find a way to work from the office.

I have a photographic memory... but it never developed.

I went to a job interview and the interviewer asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I can do a pretty good version of 'Under Pressure' by Queen.

I've been called a control freak... not that it's anyone else's business.

Sometimes I wish I could unmeet people, like you can unsend a message.

I love when people give me unsolicited advice, because clearly they know how to live my life better than I do.

I invited my math teacher to my house, but he turned the invitation down. He had too many problems.

I told my computer I needed a break, but it wouldn't take it literally.

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but I can fake extroversion pretty convincingly.

I'm not a hypochondriac, I just have a strong belief in the healing power of WebMD.

I'm not a drama queen, I just have a talent for turning minor inconveniences into Shakespearean tragedies.

I'm not saying I'm stubborn, but I do have a proven track record of refusing to change my mind.

I'm not a hoarder, I just believe in holding onto sentimental objects like that gum wrapper from 2005.

I'm not saying I'm a know-it-all, but I do have an impressive collection of useless trivia.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but I may have accidentally left my keys in the fridge once or twice.

I'm not saying I'm a klutz, but I have mastered the art of tripping over absolutely nothing.

I'm not saying I have commitment issues, but I've been casually dating the same book for three months.

I'm not paranoid, but I just have a healthy skepticism about suspiciously good deals.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but I do have very strong opinions on how the dishwasher should be loaded.

I'm not saying I'm a romantic, but I do enjoy long walks to the fridge in search of midnight snacks.