Oh, great, another Monday. Because what I really needed was more time spent in a soul-crushing work environment.

I love it when people say 'just relax'. Ah yes, thank you for solving all of my problems with two words.

Sorry, I can't come to your event. I have a rare condition called 'I don't feel like it'.

Ah, nothing like a good traffic jam to really test your patience and will to live.

I always appreciate unsolicited advice. It's like a gift I never wanted.

Sure, I'll take your opinion into consideration. Just kidding, no I won't.

Who needs sleep when you have a never-ending to-do list to keep you company?

Why be productive when you can spend hours scrolling through social media instead?

I'm really looking forward to winter. Nothing like freezing to death to really spice up the season.

I love it when people tell me to 'just be yourself'. Ah yes, because I was planning on being someone else today.

I'll start caring about your opinion just as soon as you start making sense.

Ah, the joys of small talk. Because there's nothing I love more than discussing the weather for the millionth time.

I'm so glad I spent years in school learning algebra. It really comes in handy when I need to calculate how little I care about it.

I never knew how creative I could be until I had to come up with excuses for why I'm late to everything.

Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.

I love when my phone autocorrects 'haha' to 'HAHA'. Yes, smartphone, the joke was that funny.

Running late is my cardio.

I love when people tell me to relax. It makes me instantly calm.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.

I'm not a smartass, I'm just really good at making dumb mistakes.

My coworker said I never take anything seriously. I laughed.