People say I have a dry sense of humor. I guess they can't handle the wet ones.

My ex said I had no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

I told my neighbor his music was too loud. Now he plays it just to annoy me.

I love it when people interrupt me when I'm trying to interrupt them.

I told my hair stylist I wanted a new look. Now I'm bald.

I asked my mechanic for a price estimate. He said, 'Your guess is as good as mine.'

I tried to make a joke about oxygen and potassium. It was OK.

I told my plants to water themselves. They're still waiting.

I asked my bank for a loan to pay off my loans. They laughed.

I tried to be less awkward, but then I made it awkward.

I told my lawyer I was innocent. He laughed and said, 'That's a good one.'

I asked the waiter if they had any vegan options. He pointed to the water.

I told my alarm clock I needed more sleep. It just beeped louder.

I told my mirror I needed more reflection. It just showed me my flaws.

I asked my teacher if I could get extra credit. She said, 'Sure, write backwards.'

I told my friend I had a great sense of direction. Then I went the wrong way.

I love it when someone tells me I'm wrong. It's like a nice little surprise.

I tried to save time by buying a time machine online. It still hasn't been delivered.

I told my therapist I have an irrational fear of being late. He said, 'Please, take a seat.'

I always carry a map with me, so I can look lost on purpose.

I have a black belt in sarcasm. It's a very dark shade of humor.