I asked the waiter for a quick bite. He handed me a granola bar.

I told my dog to act his age. He rolled his eyes.

I walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'What'll it be?' I said, 'Around $20.'

I told my plants to stop growing. They didn't listen.

I asked the mechanic to fix my brakes. He asked if I wanted them to work or not.

I told the bookshelf it was full of itself. It didn't change.

I told the clock it's time was up. It didn't budge.

I told my bed time was overrated. It's still lying down on the job.

I asked the shoe if it was feeling tired. It looked worn out.

I told my umbrella it was pointless. It didn't cover it up well.

I told the door it was closed-minded. It didn't open up to new ideas.

I told my fridge it needed to chill out. It took it personally.

I asked the window what its pane was. It couldn't see the humor.

I love it when people point out how short I am. It's not like I've been living with it my whole life or anything.

Oh, you got a participation award? You must be bursting with pride.

I love when people say 'I told you so' as if I wouldn't get utterly annoyed.

Sure, let's schedule another meeting to discuss how we can reduce meetings.

I don't always get sarcasm, but when I do, it's hilarious.

I love paying bills. It's like a reward for working so hard.

Please, continue talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

I love it when my boss adds more tasks to my to-do list. It's like getting a surprise at a dentist's office.