Of course I know how to live a balanced life - I have a coffee in both hands.

Oh, you're an expert in everything? That must be exhausting.

I thrive on deadlines. Nothing gets my heart racing like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I love the sound of my alarm in the morning. It's like the sweet symphony of impending doom.

I really enjoy parallel parking. It's my way of showing I can squeeze into tight spaces under pressure.

I asked the plumber to fix the leak in my sink. He poured a glass of water and said, 'There, leak fixed.'

I told the therapist I have issues. He said, 'Congratulations, so does the entire human race.'

I told my dog to fetch the newspaper. He brought me yesterday's edition.

I asked the bartender for a strong drink. He gave me a glass of water and said, 'Dihydrogen monoxide, the strongest drink of all.'

I told my colleague I'm always two steps ahead. He said, 'That explains why you keep walking in circles.'

I asked the tailor for a custom suit. He handed me a spandex onesie.

I told the gardener to bring my plants back to life. He handed me a bag of fertilizer.

I asked the psychic for lottery numbers. She said, 'I see... you losing your money.'

I told my mechanic I think my car has a ghost. He said, 'That'll be an extra charge for paranormal activity.'

I told my boss I have a great sense of humor. He gave me a raise... in my workload.

I asked the mechanic if my car would be ready today. He said, 'Sure, if today lasts forever.'

I asked the waiter for a quick meal. He suggested I eat somewhere else.

I told my dentist I want a million dollar smile. He handed me a bill for dental work.

I told the cashier I want to buy happiness. She replied, 'That'll be $100, please.'

I asked the weatherman if it was going to rain today. He said, 'No, it's going to hail unicorns.'

I told my friend I'll be there in 5 minutes. I arrived fashionably late, 30 minutes later.