I'm not a doctor, but I play one in my group chat.

I could give up coffee, but I'm not a quitter.

I told my boss I needed a day off to de-stress. He said, 'Sure, can you come in on Saturday instead?'

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but my bed is my happy place.

If there's one thing I excel at, it's underachievement.

My doctor asked if I was getting enough sleep. I replied, 'I'm not sure, can you fit that into my schedule?'

I told my plants I was going on vacation, now they won't talk to me.

I have a photographic memory, but the lens cap is still on.

I always carry a knife in case of cake.

I need a six month vacation twice a year.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I have the body of a god... Buddha.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I told my dentist I wanted a tooth whitening procedure. He suggested I smile less.

I asked the waiter for a doggy bag, he said 'Sure, bring him in next time.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She said, 'Thanks, I already married you.'

I tried to be a stand-up comedian, but the audience only sat down.

I bought a dictionary, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I asked the gym instructor for a quick workout. He gave me a dirty look.

My dentist told me I needed a crown. I told him I already am one.

I told my therapist I had a fear of ghosts. She asked me if that was my spirit talking.