I told my dog to speak, and he said, 'You first.'

I tried to be a realist, but reality kept being unrealistic.

My son asked me what procrastination means. I'll tell him later.

I told my wife I can do anything I put my mind to. She handed me a mop.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but can I rearrange your furniture?

I told my cat to stop scratching the furniture. She said, 'You stop laying on it.'

I told the chef his food was tasteless. He said, 'Don't worry, it's a new trend.'

I don't always listen to advice, but when I do, I prefer it to be unsolicited.

I bought a dictionary, but when I looked up 'irony,' it said 'see coincidence.'

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did just figure out how to use the microwave.

My doctor told me I need to exercise more. So I started stretching the truth.

I told my boss I have a fear of working overtime. He said, 'Don't worry, it's all in your head.'

I like to think of myself as a quitter. It's just easier that way.

I asked the waiter if the restaurant has any food without gluten. He said, 'Yes, we have water.'

I don't have a witty comeback, I only have a dry one.

I don't always make sarcastic comments, but when I do, you can bet they're golden.

I told my therapist I have a fear of commitment. He said, 'Let's schedule a follow-up.'

I tried to take up meditation, but my mind kept wandering off to more interesting thoughts.

I don't believe in miracles, unless you count the fact that I'm still awake after only 4 hours of sleep.

I told my dog to 'stay,' but he just looked at me like I was crazy.

I tried to join an online dating site, but they matched me with my ex. Talk about a twist of fate.